Insecurity>>>>

I decided to blog on this because recently, I've discovered how insecure I really am. In today's world everything is changing...the economy is now in recession...it happened so fast. Just heard the news that a billionaire commited suicide because he lost 1.3 billion US dollars. Can money truly offer a sense of security? In times like this where the economy is unstable, no one knows for sure what's gonna happen...

Many would choose to place their security in people such as their family(husband/wife/children) and friends. I am one such person. I place my security in my family because they are the ppl who will be there for me and who i can count on in my times of need. But I know I can't count on them 4eva. I am also insecure in a sense that, I constantly need assurance from ppl. In whatever I do, I seek after ppl's approval. (hope to correct that) People change too... things have gotten so complicated in today's world. Divorce rates are all time high, making it hard for ppl to place their security in their marriage or spouse. Elderly being sent by their children to the old-folks home, can't place security in their own kids either.

As a result, I have decided to place my security in God. As the Bible records, God is the same yesterday, today, tomoro and forever...He does not change...and I know that I can count on Him to be there for me always.

Projects and friends...

There are somethings that I find difficult to say...somethings in my heart that I want some frens to know but there seems to be no opportune time for it, and so I can only blog. Its on the topic of doing projects.

During year 1 of poly life, I was the project leader for almost all subjects (mainly cause no one wans to be it). I badly wanted to get into uni and I knew how hard it was...if the projects do not get at least a B+ on average, my chances would be gone. So I pressured my group a lot and for most of the projects, I would do most of the work. Reason? Not because I was hardworking but rather, I did not trust that my group members had the ability to produce quality work and had this perception that I was always right. Yep...that was me...very jia lat right? So, I would not consult my group members before editing their work and neither did I try to tell them what I've edited or why I did so. As a result, they only knew little of what I had done or what I was doing.

Just a few days ago, I was just telling Michelle (one of my group members then) how sad I was that time when after I did so much work, spent so many nights working and editing the projects, putting in so much effort and one of my other group members comes to me and asks me what have I been doing....From the way I saw it, they thought I was not doing anything. Michelle told me that actually back then, she had also wanted to ask me the same question, because she really did not know what I was doing with the projects. I went 'solo' most of the times.

I was elated when our projects scored well but deep in my heart, I knew I had failed as a group leader. I did not lead my group along and had not earned their respect. It was then I told myself,

I wanted more than just the end result, I want to ensure that I pull my group members along and together, we will make the mark. To work as a group, is not easy...each and everyone has their own opinions and each has different style of communication. Some are more influential and opinionated, they are the 'leaders' in the group. And some will just follow and do what they are told. It was my goal, that before I graduate, I wanna be able to sort of "master the art" of how to be a good leader.

Well, after many semesters of practice, it has come to this final semester and although I still feel I am not perfect, but at least I know I've improved. I once had a group mate who trusted me with a portion of a project and because time was lacking, he did not look at it and just believed that I could get the job done. It turned out that I did not fare as well but he did not show any form of dissatisfaction and simply explained where I had gone wrong. It was not because he did not care about his grades being affected but rather, he cared more about his friends.

I reflected on it and I knew that I was selfish. I had only cared about my grades being affected and did not care about the frens I was working with. Right now, I am trying to change. If my group members has difficulty doing his or her part of the project, I wanna help them and guide them through and not edit and do their work for them. I dun wanna pressure but I wanna encourage and edge them on to meet the mark. Talk is easy, but I will try my best.

To all my poly frens, last semester already...its gonna be very rush... even frustrating as the datelines get closer. The eventual result is important...but so is the process of achieving it. So, get the process right!

You're the air that I breathe>>>

Today Ps Yang spoke on an issue that I felt convicted of. Most of the time, we often use God's name anyhow without thinking, using God's name in vain...The most common, 'OMG' is used by lots of ppl today and it has become part of our language and vocabulary. But do we actually think of what we are saying? By doing that we're putting the name of the God who created the whole earth, the God who created the universe, the God who created you and me, behind an exclamation mark. I believe it is important for us to watch our tongue rather than just saying whatever we feel like saying. Talking nonsense is pointless. The mouth is the most powerful tool...it can build a person up or tear a person down. It can choose to speak life or death.

Our mouth expresses what is in our heart and so, I am determined to be careful with my words.

I was also convicted to avoid watching movies that curse, swear or joke using the name of Jesus. Why should I pay to watch ppl making fun of the Lord whom I love? Although that would mean most movies, so let it be then.

I learnt another thing during the sermon today. God has a name. We all have names right? We are not named 'human beings'. God's name is Yaweh. But the actual hebrew word as found in the old testement is Yhvh...(go check it out on the internet by typing yaweh) . It is pronounced as Yord-Hay-Vah-Hay. What does the name mean? Ancient writers of the past have attributed the pronounciation to the sound of breathing. Yord........Hay..........Vah......Hay........

Each time we breathe, we call out God's name!

Once a friend mentioned that: 'If life were a dance floor, God would be the DJ.' This is what the world is saying. However, I beg to differ....My reply to him was: ' God is the air I breathe!' God is our creator...the one who gave us life, without Him, what are we? The stars that twinkle, the birds that sings, the trees that sway, the waves that roar...all speak of how great God is. The way we were created cannot be more perfect...from the heart that pumps, to the smallest cell in our body. Even our very breath calls out His name! To God be the Glory!

16 Nov...

Today I had great fun! My mom got some kids over to our house for lunch...all of them were from Poi Ching Primary and I have taught in some of their classes before as their relief teacher. We played games and I kept forfeiting...

My forfeit>>>>

Jovin's forfeit>>>>>WEAR_THE_WIG

Sisters!First up>>> Germaine! Class 4J year 2008>>>>Megan, Class 3F 2008>>>

TianYu>>>>and his brother TianRen>>>Nicole and Germaine>>>>Class 4J

Jovin Siew!>>>>Class5G 2008

Long time buddies!>>>>

To Jovin and Germaine who reads my blog: Love you both!>>>Anytime you're bored and need someone to talk to, call me k? I'll catch up with both of you soon and might see you in school too. Dun forget to spend time with God ok? He hears your prayers! Also, remember what the true meaning of Christmas is and spread God's love to your friends. Take care and God Bless!

Time to reflect>>>>

In this blog, I reflect a lot as you can see. Well, I learned that from a friend who felt that a day is wasted without reflecting and would ponder every night before sleeping on what took place during the day.

Just last Sunday at badminton, Trudy and I teamed up against my mom and auntie jade. And for each point that we lost, she would evaluate and tell me what the mistake was and how to overcome it. This went on for 3 games and I was thinking to myself, ' its oni a game wat, so what if we lose?'. Haha...it did not matter to me whether i won or lost...i was not gonna participate in some badminton tornament in the future anyway, so why take it seriously?

Well, i did not think much of it but today, Uncle Sam, one of our tutors was mentioning about how competitive the chinese from China were and quoted one incident where he happened to be challenging them to see whose paper planes could fly the furthest. He told us that they would actually evaluate each 'flight' to see how they can improve and what changes should be made in order for the plane to fly further.

My initial reaction was, :'My goodness, its just a game! Dun these ppl know how to enjoy at all?' Haha...but i started to ponder and came to a conclusion that, this is probably the kind of ppl that will see success in life. Cause they possess a learning attitude and constantly seek to improve themselves in every situation. They learn quick from their mistakes and determine not to make them again. Unfortunately, I'm not like that at all...my piano teacher had to keep circling the notes which i played wrong and still, I did not change and correct the mistake. Kinda stubborn rite?....haha...that's me and my 'can't be bothered' attitude.

Well, i've got to change and start to buck up. Potential is in each and everyone of us and i wanna maximise mine for God.

Well, so far things have been hectic, but i thank God that He is guiding me through. The day i came back, I saw for myself how my brothers have matured and started to take on more responsibilities. Haiz...they have left for nepal and will be gone 18 days...its gonna get kinda quiet in the house. After meeting with my bff yesterday, I could see that she has matured...from the way she speaks, I felt that she was no longer a over-sensitive gal anymore but has learnt to take many things in her stride. The gal i tuitioned previously has grown up too...no longer does she call me so many times a day and she starts to talk to me in a more 'grown up' manner, unlike her previously childish behaviour. Not to mention my parents...who were previously not ready to 'let me go', have now learnt to let me lead my own life, trusting that i can decide the path to take.

During this period, many things have changed...and for me, I have my heart-set on certain things:

1. I am not gonna mince my words anymore.

Many a times, I feel like a hyprocrite...saying things i dun mean just to pls people...telling them what they wish to hear. Well, i feel this is selfish of me...I dun have many frens and so, my mentality was this: 'In order to keep our friendship going, I dare not offend you for fear of losing you as a friend.' ... This should not be the case...If I truly care for you, I'll want the best for you...even if you dun like it. So, I will just tell you things straight to your face...it certainly beats backstabbing. To all my frens out there, pls understand this and trust that I care very much for you. Don't you ever doubt that...

2. I am gonna put those in need first.

Just heard from Pastor Daniel that when he tried to sent some of us to visit old folks home during this christmas season, its full house. Well, glad to know...but whatabout the other times of the year? Why do we only remember those in need during christmas? I'm guilty of that. I think for myself more than for others. So for this year's christmas, I want to bless the less fortunate first, then followed by my friends. So to those who feels offended by me not giving you a present, well...don't. You're all very blessed. there are others who need it more.

Haha...for me, I still feel its very hard to let go of all that has happened in Shanghai. I've learnt a lot and enjoyed myself so much there that it is now really hard to adapt back. It all seems like a dream and now, its time to wake up. I thank God for all that He has done for me and now, I wanna get back to serve him.

End of Osip

Finally I have headed back to my sunny island. haha...feel kinda lost but nonetheless, will quickly readapt. I could have choosen to emo about leaving but I decided it was pointless. I will surely miss the place and the memories shared there. but now, its time to move on...my heart was rather saddened when I saw how hard it was for some of us to part with our collegues. It was painful. 2 and a half months ago, we had to part with our families. We all decided to venture abroad and left our comfort zones to face this world and now, we return as true champions, surpassing our psychological, emotional and even physical barriers. I have yet to let go....its really hard, but i have to. All that has happened there, will and can only stay as a memory for me...and that's the way its gonna be.

Its all over now...

I am really tired of all this...its time to get back where I belong. After an official 2 and 1/2 months of spiritual drainage, I declare myself offically burned out. I need to go back to church and fellowship with the saints. I thank God for sending me here and guiding me through the whole time...I've really learnt a lot and now its time to get back and put it into practice. I really wanna see how far I can go with what I learnt here...Is it just a temporary thing where it goes off after a while? Or is it something of pemernance? This is the question burning in my heart for the past few days and I really dun know yet because I'm still here...and this is not my 'battleground' ... its at home.

But one conclusion I came to was that, I can no longer be that 'family girl' that I was. In the past, I was like a bird in a nest where I had everything I needed and I could stay 'comfortable'. Without me realising, they became the world to me and my identity was also formed that way. I never really did consider myself as a separate 'individual' because I always felt my life is not my own, but my family's as well. And so, lots of decisions I make are family-based and I became rather indecisive and disliked making decisions because I did not want to be responsible for my own life. But now, I got to fly out of the 'nest'...I've to grow up and face the world on my own no matter how tough it may be and learn to decide for myself as well to be responsible for it.

Well, my family is still my obligation and priority...that's not gonna change. Haha...but now, its time to for me to 'soar' into all God has for me.

With the little I have, I give it all. >>>>

Yesterday, I learnt yet another valuable lesson. I heard that my best friend in primary school has finished his ITE and has now gone into Nanyang Poly. It truly warmed my heart to hear the news...I remembered both he and I got into the same primary 3 class... it was the last class. He was there because he was a slow learner by nature (and I was there cause I was playful and just plain lazy) And so at primary 5, he was streamed into EM3 followed by normal tech and then ITE. The thing I admired most about him, was his sensibility (很懂事）. His family survives on little and life was rather hard for them as his parents dun earn much...mum works at a foodstall ( i can't remember what the dad works as) but their income feeds 6 mouths back home.

I remembered just this year, I was late for church cell group and went to grab a bite at Macs at TM...I looked at the menu hurriedly but looked up when I heard my name being called...and there he was behind the counter...smiling and ready to take my order.

Thinking about it, I really feel very very ashamed of myself...I cannot hold a candle to him. I knew that he was not smart to start with, but when my mom told me that he really worked his guts out in ITE and finally got into poly, my heart just leaped with joy...I knew it did not come easy and that he had truly maximised his potential. With the little he had, he gave it all. I felt ashamed of myself...because I knew at that moment, I was just a pack of lazy bones... playful and unwilling to push myself to achieve greater.

Hongyi and I were chatting one night and he mentioned something that sort of hit me. He said some thing like: 'Each time we get too comfortable, its time to get out of that comfort zone.' I fully agree. Successful people do not allow themselves to stay stagnated but constantly puts themselves in environments of change and challenge. They are not satisfied with their current achievements but seeks after greater things and hence, they progress and moves on in life till they have maximised their fullest potential. I was too 'comfortable' with what I had achieved and never actually thought that I had much more in me. To summarize, I was just plain lazy...Hence, I have to change... because a true sense of achievement only comes when you have stepped into battle zone and fought your best fight!

~I'm giving all I've got~

Playing office politics>>>>>

The key to playing office politics well is this: Be as shrewd/wise as serpents and as innocent as doves. (Mat 10:16)

Taking Sides

Serpants are constantly on the alert and are aware of their surroundings, hence, when you are a newbie in a company, be quick to pick up and get wind of what is going on. This can be done by observing your collegues, hearing what they say and observing how they behave. You may discover at times, that your collegues are not gelling with a particular person or are split up into 2 social groups, in cases like this, you may have to decide which side to take. There are seldom cases whereby one can have the 'best of both worlds' or take on a neutral stand if one were to work long-term in the same company.

Sucking up to Boss

This can get really tricky. At times, the slightest thing you do for your boss can caused you to be mis-judged by your collegues. Hence, always beware of your actions. Do not do anything 'extra' for your boss of which your collegues do not do at work. If you want to appreciate your boss, do it privately away from judgmental eyes and on a more personal basis unassociated with work. The best thing is to get your collegues involved. If you really want your boss to take note of you and hope to get in his good books, your work achievements will certainly speak more volume.

Excelling at work

This is the worse of all and in many instances, unpreventable. When you are a bit more hardworking than the rest, excelling at work, and the boss commends you, ppl will start to be jealous of you and hence, find ways and means to 'pull' you down. Most times, this cannot be prevented but the most one can do, is to be possess a spirit of humility, innocence and sincerity. Being humble means not claiming credit for your effort but constantly recognizing the effort of others. When your boss praise you, always give credit to those who have helped you accomplish your task. Also carry a heart of innocence...do not scheme or talk behind the back of others but be open about your opinions and views. And last but not least, always be sincere...mean what you say and say what you mean...do not be a hyprocrite that acts one-way in front of the boss and acts another way in front of others. You will lose respect. Always be sincere...In this way, ppl can see that you sincerely want to help contribute to the company's growth and have no hidden agenda or self-seeking intentions.

Conclusion

Being innocent is always good, but in the process, do not be completely ignorant and unaware of these office politics at play. Hence, be as shrewd as serpants but as innocent as doves. Always remember, innocence cannot be acted out, it is in-built in us and if we are really innocent, our body language, our speech and our behaviour will show.

Suzhou>>>>Weekend 7

Jasmine, Hongyi and I took a train to Suzhou on sat at 6pm and ate KFC on the way, the rest were to join us the next day>>>> Jasmine and I >>>>>

When we got off the train, we took a cab to guang quan jie and had some cheap thrills for entertainment>>>>>we played this and we were given 5 bean-bag throws for $1 sing. Hit the dog and its yours to keep.

We played basketball too>>>>that's me by the way>>>>We did some sight-seeing too!>>>>>

After that>>>>eat lah, what else!>>>>

Hongyi ordering>>>>>There are many guitarists going around and asking people to select songs from their list and they will play but you gotta pay.
The food we ordered>>>>>

First up....dazhaxie

Prawns>>>>

Drunken live prawns still hoping around and about to die of heat!!!

Not enough? There's always more to eat!

The next morning, we woke up and went to meet up with the rest who took the morning train and just arrived in Suzhou>>>>>>

Roseann and Pohsuan>>>>> Sean and our beloved Chang-er! (xue er)We went to eat egg fried rice together after that>>>>>

We also did a bit of shopping near this temple after that>>>> Sean the warrior>>>>
Flying candy floss>>>>is there such thing in Sg?

We later paid an entrance fee and got into this beautiful fortress (used to prevent enemies from entering) Anyway, have a look at some of the scenery>>>>

We got into a boat as well and watched an opera show>>>>>>
Some group pics we took>>>>>

Haha>>>>>dinner at a korean restaurant was next on the list>>>>

We went outside later to enjoy the night view and released kong ming teng>>>>>each one of us realeased ours. This is mine.

Many were staring at us as we wrote>>>>>

To those of you who can't see, this is what I wrote:'Dear God, I pray that we will all still remain as very good friends even after we get back to Sg.'Looking out into the sky, my heart was filled with sudden gratitude towards God and I felt really blessed. Who could ask for more? All of us came from different walks of life...yet God brought all of us together to share this very special bond. Each of us carried different expectations here, different dreams...but with one purpose: a hope for a better future. We have left our comfort zones and have flown from our nests to see the world in which we live. And here we are... seeing things we had not seen b4, exploring what was unknown to us. And when we return, life for us will no longer be viewed with a narrow perspective but rather, with a global mindset. The END!

Ps: I must credit Jasmine for taking such a beautiful pic...thanks gal!

The changes in me...

Each time I think of the fact that I am going back to SG in about 20+ days, I will start to ponder over this question: 'What will become of me when i get back?' Well, to be honest, I dun have an answer to that...I have changed from who I was b4 I came here and its for the better, not the worst. But, I will have to make effort to ensure that I do not revert back to my old lifestyle and habits. Here are some changes:

1) Image>>>

I have 2 fantastic image consultants named Hongyi and Siqian and they made me see that maintaining a good image and carrying yourself well can really help you to feel good and also affect people's impression of you...especially when you are in the business line. In my poly, I have 'branded' myself in a way such that people's impression of me is not who I am by nature and they only end up seeing one side of me. haha...hope to change that!

2) Television>>>

Nowadays, I seldom watch TV...thanks to hanging around too much with Hongyi who feels watching TV is a waste of time, now I feel the same way. I have spent too much time watching dramas in the past that I do not have the time to learn more about what is going on around me and hence, I am rather ignorant towards many issues.

3) Home-Girl>>>

I am the sort who enjoys staying at home and slacking away most of the time and once again, thanks to Hongyi, I have changed. I discovered that I stay at home too much and do not go out often enough to observe and see what goes on outside. Perhaps it is because I do not have many friends to start with...usually after school, I head home and do not spend time chatting. (I dun even go often on msn) Hence, I have not mastered the art of communication and can offend ppl unknowingly sometimes...haha, but I'm gettin the hang of it now.

4) Learning method>>>

I credit my cousin, Winston for this, he said something that really sort of hit me and I have decided to change the way I learn from now on. In the past, I learned the 'textbook' way. Read, understand and apply...but he mentioned that if that is the case, then the company that is hiring you, might as well buy a textbook...This statement hit me and I thought that was quite true. What different am I from a textbook? That is the problem with the Singapore education system I guess, we just remember what the textbook says and regurgitate it out on our exam papers and after the exam, we forget what we were taught and return it back to our teachers. haha...its quite a waste. So, the next question he posted me was:' What is my competitve advantage?' Well, 'I have none' was the reply I had in my head.

I have learnt that some things, you can't learn from textbooks but rather, your observations and your general knowlege comes into play. At work here, I have realised how ignorant I am about things...especially when I compare myself with Hongyi, he reads a lot, very observant and explores many places...and so, I have to change my 'heck care' attitude or else, I can't be trusted with more important/difficult tasks as I do not have the capacity to start with. I need to 'expand' myself to contain more...

Before I continue on, I must apologize to my mother first...beacuse all the 4 lessons I have mentioned above, she has told me countless times to change! She always tells me to look after my image by carrying myself well...and also nagged at me countless times to stop watching too much TV, read more, be more observant and encourages me to go out with friends rather than stay home all the time. But it never hit me and I never saw the value of the things she said till I came here and I started to wake up. Sorry MUM!

5) Money-oriented>>>

I am a rather calculative person especially with regards to money. Reason? Its because I dun have many of that and that is what I need to go into uni, get my driving license, etc etc. Sadly, money is what drives today's society...But I feel that we should be in control of money and not let money control us. We should not just work for money but money should work for us instead. Always easier said than done... my family is good at saving cash (because we have understood what hand-to-mouth means) and a lot of times, we oni spend on the things we need (which i believe is important). But the problem comes when we become too money-oriented and in almost everthing we do, the 'M' word does not escape us. In almost every decision I make, I will consider $ and I have decided to change that...I will spend within my means and purchase what I need, that's it!

More importantly, I will have to find ways to earn my keep and not be lazy. Down here, I have learnt that successful people who thinks big as well as long-term, their method of earning money is to find ways to use the money they have to invest and earn. Those who think small and short-term, will find ways to scrimp and save every cent. I followed the second method previously and now I am shifting to the first. (Its Bibical too!)

Recently while reading the Bible, Psalms, I am also convicted not to place my security in money but in God instead, especially during this period of pre-recession.

6) Overseas

There is another question(stimulated by Winston) that me and Si Qian were discussing about one day while we were on our way to buy groceries. The question was: ' If ever in the future, we were given a choice to work here long-term(when the job prospect offered is good and salary is high), would we?'. Her answer was Yes. For me, if you had posted this question to me before I arrived here, my answer would be a 'No' without any hestiation. But now, I am getting used to this and I have learnt how to work independantly overseas. So my reply to Siqian was: ' If God really wants me to be here long-term, I am willing.' I base my decision on God's will for me and not the job prospects of the salary given.

Conclusion

My decision to come here was also based on God's will, not my own intention. I am too family-oriented and if I had followed my intention, I would not be here. But I took a step of faith and trusted that God has a plan and purpose for me here in Shanghai. And now, I know I would have seriously regretted not coming here...I would have missed out way too much. The lessons that I have learnt here is way too valuable such that a million can't be compared. (I do not exaggerate when I say so). These lessons have shaped my character and woke me up and some of my 'revelations' include:

1) I am already 19, and if I don't not do some thing about my life now, it will soon be too late to realize how many years I have wasted away.

2) I wanna be a teacher and in order to be a good teacher, I cannot afford to miss out on too many life's experiences but must constantly have a learning attitude and an open mind to see things. I do not want to just teach subjects from textbooks, but I wanna instill in our next generation a good value system as well as a right attitude and mindset towards life. I wanna shape character that is geared to succeed.

~Word-of wisdom by King Solomen: Train up a child in the way that he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Some Interesting pics>>>>

Rainy days in Shanghai are really interesting>>>>>this guy is wearing a plastic bag on his feet so that his shoe wont get wet!>>>>>>

The streets turn colourful>>>>>

Colours of the rain>>>>>>

At people's square, there is this recycling machine that will give you 1 cent when you place your empty plastic bottle in. This is to encourage the chinese ppl to recycle rather than throw away>> See the kid at the bottom? He pants has a big hole there so that the child does not have to remove his pants when he shits or pee. You can see many of them in Shanghai and they are called 小屁孩！

China's one child policy>>>>>>

Being the only child, they get the full attention of their parents...but is it good for them? These children are treated as 'Kings' and being their parents most treasured possesion, wont they be given what they want and get spoiled? The policy states that if both parents are the only child of their parents, then they are allowed 2 kids at most and if you break this policy, you will have to pay about 50-60 thousand yuan ($10,000+) sing per child! When I heard that, I got a shock! Singapore government is investing more than that amount for every extra child! And so, I believe the abortion rate here is very high also.

Now, there are many singles in China and couples without children who are not bounded by family commitments and are more of less 'free' to do as they like. In Singapore, for most parents, their whole life revolves around their children and most would complain that having lots of children is a pain....but I think children are a blessing from God. They bring about fullfillent to one's life. Looking at my landlord now, I am convinced it is always good to have more children. His one and only daughter is studying in Singapore (my poly) and already got her PR there and so, both my landlord and landlady are left to themselves. Initially when we came to their house, they were very happy to see us and said that the house was too quiet and that seeing us was like seeing his own daughter again. I really kinda feel sad for them and hope they will not have to live this way for the rest of their lives.